HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY MARRY A NIGERIAN WOMAN (PT 1)

Before we begin, here’s a full disclosure: I have been married for just 20 months, a short time where marriages are concerned. The people responsible for content of this piece are friends and colleagues who have been married for much longer and have put to full use all the pieces of advice shared here. It is to them that credit (or otherwise) must go for the ingenious ways of marrying and staying married to a Nigerian woman. I would have loved to share the identities of these worthy friends so you can thank them personally the next time you see them but some of them possess Boko Haram tendencies that could ensure that this will be my last contribution to this newspaper. Let’s just say that they are familiar strangers: men who publish newspapers (maybe this one); creatively direct agencies in extreme manners; engage in large format digi-tal prints; run events below the line while planning to run for public office; make people laugh while taking time out at lounges…yeah, men of a certain kind. May the God lord bless and reward them for sharing their tactics with me for public good.

So, how does one successfully marry a Nigerian woman, then?

Well, here are a few steps:

1. Realise very early in life that you do not actually marry a Nigerian woman; a Nigerian woman marries you. Yes, you did the proposing bit, you bought the ring, you spent your life’s savings on the wedding ceremonies and yes, she bears your name. It is still an illusion to think you actually married her. She picked you off a long list. She weighed her desires and you came closest to the mark.  If she marries you for looks, it’s so her children may inherit good looks. If she marries you for money, it’s so the future can be reasonably guaranteed. If it is for your sexual prowess, it’s so she wouldn’t have to consider cheating often. In the end, it was her call, not yours.

2. You shall quickly learn after she has married you (just has soon as you realise that she married you and not the other way round) that you have to live where she desires. See, even when you think that the decision of where to live lies with you since you will be paying the rent, you will soon realise that she is the one to make the choice. Try and force her to live where she doesn’t want and you will get progressively frustrated that you will beg for mercy in the end.  Learn this now: It’s her house; you are just paying the rent.

3. To successfully marry a Nigerian woman, buy DSTV’s dual view package. If you fail to heed this warning, frustration will be a permanent feature of your life. Oh, you will never have to fight over the remote control. She will gladly relinquish it to you; but you will watch whatever she wants to watch. Even when you’re not watching what she wants to watch, you’ll still be ‘watching’ what she wants to watch. You don’t understand? See, if EPL and American Next Top Model clash and you insist on watching your club play, you will be watching Rooney but the commentary will about catwalks. You will be made painfully aware of your selfishness. If you leave the house and go watch the match with the boys, you will be accused of abandonment. See? Just buy dual view!

4. When you travel and return to your Nigerian wife, make sure you bring back ‘something’. No, something does not include jewellery, bottles of perfume, clothing, chocolate and the likes. Those are a given.  ‘Something’ is the ability to have sex immediately upon your return, preferably as you walk into the front door from the airport. This is for two reasons: (A) You have been away for a long time and she has actually missed you. [It’s  unimportant that you travelled for just 48hrs] (B)She needs to confirm, quickly, that whatever nefarious activities you were up to on your trip, you were responsible enough to leave ‘something’ in the reserve tank. Should you be incapable of delivering something upon request, you will merely confirm her suspicions that you were a bastard-child-of-an-unsuspecting-mother-maquerading-as-a-husband. She will say nothing, but her silence will be burdensome.

5. While on the sex issue, know this: There isn’t a SINGLE Nigerian woman who doesn’t know when her husband is cheating. It’s in every Nigerian woman’s DNA to know. That she has chosen not to say anything is not cowardice; she just can’t be really bothered. Infidelity isn’t a deal-breaker for her, especially when children are involved. Your now protruding tummy and shrunken manhood have long ensured that your pathetic attempts at lovemaking can only be borne intermittently, and if you so choose to go find a bleary-eyed twat to fool around with, that’s your problem. Just don’t come to her house and proclaim yourself faithful, or pick a quarrel about how unfair it is that she doesn’t trust you. Just shut up.

Heed these warnings, dear friend, that you may know peace. Accept your fate: Nigerian women are a rare species, and if you keep your ego in check, you may actually be happy with one. If you do succeed in doing that, don’t forget to thank my above-named friends.