Before
we begin, here’s a full disclosure: I have been married for just 20 months, a
short time where marriages are concerned. The people responsible for content of
this piece are friends and colleagues who have been married for much longer and
have put to full use all the pieces of advice shared here. It is to them that
credit (or otherwise) must go for the ingenious ways of marrying and staying
married to a Nigerian woman. I would have loved to share the identities of
these worthy friends so you can thank them personally the next time you see
them but some of them possess Boko Haram tendencies that could ensure that this
will be my last contribution to this newspaper. Let’s just say that they are
familiar strangers: men who publish newspapers (maybe this one); creatively
direct agencies in extreme manners; engage in large format digi-tal prints; run
events below the line while planning to run for public office; make people
laugh while taking time out at lounges…yeah, men of a certain kind. May the God
lord bless and reward them for sharing their tactics with me for public good.
So,
how does one successfully marry a Nigerian woman, then?
Well,
here are a few steps:
1.
Realise very early in life that you do not actually marry a Nigerian woman; a
Nigerian woman marries you. Yes, you did the proposing bit, you bought the
ring, you spent your life’s savings on the wedding ceremonies and yes, she
bears your name. It is still an illusion to think you actually married her. She
picked you off a long list. She weighed her desires and you came closest to the
mark. If she marries you for looks, it’s so her children may inherit good
looks. If she marries you for money, it’s so the future can be reasonably
guaranteed. If it is for your sexual prowess, it’s so she wouldn’t have to
consider cheating often. In the end, it was her call, not yours.
2.
You shall quickly learn after she has married you (just has soon as you realise
that she married you and not the other way round) that you have to live where
she desires. See, even when you think that the decision of where to live lies
with you since you will be paying the rent, you will soon realise that she is
the one to make the choice. Try and force her to live where she doesn’t want
and you will get progressively frustrated that you will beg for mercy in the
end. Learn this now: It’s her house; you are just paying the rent.
3.
To successfully marry a Nigerian woman, buy DSTV’s dual view package. If you
fail to heed this warning, frustration will be a permanent feature of your life.
Oh, you will never have to fight over the remote control. She will gladly
relinquish it to you; but you will watch whatever she wants to watch. Even when
you’re not watching what she wants to watch, you’ll still be ‘watching’ what
she wants to watch. You don’t understand? See, if EPL and American Next Top
Model clash and you insist on watching your club play, you will be watching
Rooney but the commentary will about catwalks. You will be made painfully aware
of your selfishness. If you leave the house and go watch the match with the
boys, you will be accused of abandonment. See? Just buy dual view!
4.
When you travel and return to your Nigerian wife, make sure you bring back
‘something’. No, something does not include jewellery, bottles of perfume, clothing,
chocolate and the likes. Those are a given. ‘Something’ is the ability to
have sex immediately upon your return, preferably as you walk into the front
door from the airport. This is for two reasons: (A) You have been away for a
long time and she has actually missed you. [It’s unimportant that you
travelled for just 48hrs] (B)She needs to confirm, quickly, that whatever
nefarious activities you were up to on your trip, you were responsible enough
to leave ‘something’ in the reserve tank. Should you be incapable of delivering
something upon request, you will merely confirm her suspicions that you were a
bastard-child-of-an-unsuspecting-mother-maquerading-as-a-husband. She will say
nothing, but her silence will be burdensome.
5.
While on the sex issue, know this: There isn’t a SINGLE Nigerian woman who
doesn’t know when her husband is cheating. It’s in every Nigerian woman’s DNA
to know. That she has chosen not to say anything is not cowardice; she just
can’t be really bothered. Infidelity isn’t a deal-breaker for her, especially
when children are involved. Your now protruding tummy and shrunken manhood have
long ensured that your pathetic attempts at lovemaking can only be borne
intermittently, and if you so choose to go find a bleary-eyed twat to fool around
with, that’s your problem. Just don’t come to her house and proclaim yourself
faithful, or pick a quarrel about how unfair it is that she doesn’t trust you.
Just shut up.
Heed
these warnings, dear friend, that you may know peace. Accept your fate: Nigerian
women are a rare species, and if you keep your ego in check, you may actually
be happy with one. If you do succeed in doing that, don’t forget to thank my
above-named friends.
