HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY MARRY A NIGERIAN WOMAN (PT 1)

Before we begin, here’s a full disclosure: I have been married for just 20 months, a short time where marriages are concerned. The people responsible for content of this piece are friends and colleagues who have been married for much longer and have put to full use all the pieces of advice shared here. It is to them that credit (or otherwise) must go for the ingenious ways of marrying and staying married to a Nigerian woman. I would have loved to share the identities of these worthy friends so you can thank them personally the next time you see them but some of them possess Boko Haram tendencies that could ensure that this will be my last contribution to this newspaper. Let’s just say that they are familiar strangers: men who publish newspapers (maybe this one); creatively direct agencies in extreme manners; engage in large format digi-tal prints; run events below the line while planning to run for public office; make people laugh while taking time out at lounges…yeah, men of a certain kind. May the God lord bless and reward them for sharing their tactics with me for public good.

So, how does one successfully marry a Nigerian woman, then?

Well, here are a few steps:

1. Realise very early in life that you do not actually marry a Nigerian woman; a Nigerian woman marries you. Yes, you did the proposing bit, you bought the ring, you spent your life’s savings on the wedding ceremonies and yes, she bears your name. It is still an illusion to think you actually married her. She picked you off a long list. She weighed her desires and you came closest to the mark.  If she marries you for looks, it’s so her children may inherit good looks. If she marries you for money, it’s so the future can be reasonably guaranteed. If it is for your sexual prowess, it’s so she wouldn’t have to consider cheating often. In the end, it was her call, not yours.

2. You shall quickly learn after she has married you (just has soon as you realise that she married you and not the other way round) that you have to live where she desires. See, even when you think that the decision of where to live lies with you since you will be paying the rent, you will soon realise that she is the one to make the choice. Try and force her to live where she doesn’t want and you will get progressively frustrated that you will beg for mercy in the end.  Learn this now: It’s her house; you are just paying the rent.

3. To successfully marry a Nigerian woman, buy DSTV’s dual view package. If you fail to heed this warning, frustration will be a permanent feature of your life. Oh, you will never have to fight over the remote control. She will gladly relinquish it to you; but you will watch whatever she wants to watch. Even when you’re not watching what she wants to watch, you’ll still be ‘watching’ what she wants to watch. You don’t understand? See, if EPL and American Next Top Model clash and you insist on watching your club play, you will be watching Rooney but the commentary will about catwalks. You will be made painfully aware of your selfishness. If you leave the house and go watch the match with the boys, you will be accused of abandonment. See? Just buy dual view!

4. When you travel and return to your Nigerian wife, make sure you bring back ‘something’. No, something does not include jewellery, bottles of perfume, clothing, chocolate and the likes. Those are a given.  ‘Something’ is the ability to have sex immediately upon your return, preferably as you walk into the front door from the airport. This is for two reasons: (A) You have been away for a long time and she has actually missed you. [It’s  unimportant that you travelled for just 48hrs] (B)She needs to confirm, quickly, that whatever nefarious activities you were up to on your trip, you were responsible enough to leave ‘something’ in the reserve tank. Should you be incapable of delivering something upon request, you will merely confirm her suspicions that you were a bastard-child-of-an-unsuspecting-mother-maquerading-as-a-husband. She will say nothing, but her silence will be burdensome.

5. While on the sex issue, know this: There isn’t a SINGLE Nigerian woman who doesn’t know when her husband is cheating. It’s in every Nigerian woman’s DNA to know. That she has chosen not to say anything is not cowardice; she just can’t be really bothered. Infidelity isn’t a deal-breaker for her, especially when children are involved. Your now protruding tummy and shrunken manhood have long ensured that your pathetic attempts at lovemaking can only be borne intermittently, and if you so choose to go find a bleary-eyed twat to fool around with, that’s your problem. Just don’t come to her house and proclaim yourself faithful, or pick a quarrel about how unfair it is that she doesn’t trust you. Just shut up.

Heed these warnings, dear friend, that you may know peace. Accept your fate: Nigerian women are a rare species, and if you keep your ego in check, you may actually be happy with one. If you do succeed in doing that, don’t forget to thank my above-named friends.

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The Power of Being Spontaneous

Spontaneity is something that many, many people don’t like. Why? Because they equate spontaneity with surprises, and nobody likes surprises while they’re doing their job. This rings true for CEO’s to Stay-at-home Moms. Routines are what we productive people crave! But we can learn a thing or two from being a tad more spontaneous, especially while we’re working.

Being open to change can be a good thing. Being spontaneous as a person is defined as:

“Spontaneous- Of a person having an open, natural, and uninhibited manner”

Oooh. I like the sound of that. That sounds more like a Buddhist monk meditating than teens diving into a Volkswagen van for an un-planned road trip. Being spontaneous can give you some relaxed and uninhabited qualities, because no matter what happens next, you can deal with it. This is an incredible trait to have in life.

Aside from the whole mind-like-water mentality, spontaneity has some other added benefits:

1. Keeps your mind sharp as a tack. Yep, if you sprinkle in a few daily doses of impulsive activities, your mind is sure to be on top of its game. Having unknowns in your schedule and being OK with that can force you to really focus on what’s at hand.
2. Less Stress. Let’s face it: The better you are at coping with unknown situations, the less stress you’ll accrue throughout the day.
3. Gets you out of the dooldrums. Feeling like the only exciting part of your day is having another glass of OJ with your bran in the morning? Do something completely unexpected. Shake things up a bit. Blow off work, if you need to. The spur-of-the-moment has a strange ability to lift a funk.

Like any good quality or reflex, spontaneity has to be practiced before it can truly become useful. There are lots of variables in our every day life that we can’t control. The power going out. Snagging a nasty cold. The neighbors dog barking all. day. long. We won’t able to give up control of these unknowns, but learning to be a little more flexible sure can help your outlook. That’s where being spontaneous can really help us. It conditions us to relax.

Here are some tips to adding spontaneity to your work day.

1. Draw boundaries. Above all, your work has to be done. While not paying bills can throw a little spontaneity on your credit score, it may not give the result we’re looking for.
2. A little can go a long way. We’re not looking for a buy-a-camero-for-my-mid-life-crisis type of change. We’re only taking an ordinary piece of the day and giving it a twist. Try working at a coffee shop instead of the office. Making a fun dinner. Start a small, manageable project that you’ve always wanted to do. Anything to spice up your work routine, or even the rest of your life.
3. Pencil it in. While this seems like it goes against everything spontaneous, it helps to add a little control to it. Give yourself time every day to be a little impulsive. Set aside a chunk of time each day to do whatever you want. This same principle can work for planning your breaks and working out of rest.
4. Be naughty. It’s ok to have a little fun and break the “rules” sometimes. Skip class, watch too much TV, eat too much chocolate. It’s OK to overindulge every now and again. For crying out loud, health guru Tim Ferriss pigs out once a week and it helps him lose weight.
5. Look for inspiration. If you’re needing a boost of creativity to really be spontaneous, just look around for inspiration. There are some other incredible blogs that can provide some motivation, but my favorite is the Improv Everywhere blog. It’s an organization of people who plan spontaneous events, like 111 men shopping shirtless in Abercrombie and Fitch in New York. Priceless. (This probably falls under the “be naughty” category as well.)

If one can practice disciplined spontaneity, they will start to see the benefits of being a more flexible person in general. It’s like my dad always said:

Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

10 Easy Ways to Become a Better Person

Making a change in the world can be an easy part of your everyday life. Here are 10 ways you can make a difference. From Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life by Zoe Weil

1. Commit to the 3 I’s: Inquire, Introspect, live with Integrity. Expose yourself to information and ideas about most good (MOGO) living by talking to and learning from people from all walks of life -- especially people who are also trying to do the most good and the least harm; by reading widely and deeply; by visiting websites aimed at making a difference; and by viewing relevant films. You can find a list of regularly updated websites, books, magazines, and films in the resources section at HumaneEducation.org. Then introspect: identify your values, consider what is most important to you, assess your talents and interests, and seek out ways to put these together practically and productively. Finally, live with integrity. To the best of your ability, put your values into practice.

2. Work for change. Give some of your time, resources, and talents to create systemic change that benefits all. Choose the issues that most concern and compel you, get involved, and relish the joy that such generosity brings to yourself and others. If you can, make your career one that is MOGO.

3. Rethink, Reuse, Repair, and Recycle. As much as possible, rethink your use of products that are unnecessary, inhumane, produced through exploitive business practices, non-recyclable, over-packaged, toxic, and/or unsustainable. When you do make purchases, choose the most sustainable, efficient, humane, fairly traded, and healthy versions. Then reuse what you can, repair what is reparable, and recycle when you are through. And in the midst of these 4 Rs, consider what you could borrow instead of buy, and what you could share with friends and neighbors so that they can better rethink unnecessary products, too.

4. Eat for life. As much as possible, choose plant-based foods produced close to where you live, grown organically, and unprocessed. This will improve your health, the environment, the lives of animals, and the wellbeing of other people.

5. Reduce your ecological footprint. Drive less, carpool, walk, bike, car-share, and use public transportation more. If you need to own a car, choose one with the best fuel efficiency to meet your needs. Choose the most energy efficient and ecologically friendly options for homes, home repair, appliances, lighting, heating, and cooling. Choose your recreation and vacations with MOGO in mind as well: an ecotourism excursion over a cruise; cross-country skiing instead of downhill skiing; canoeing more often than motor boating.

6. Transform education. People need relevant information, tools for critical thinking, and motivation to lead meaningful lives that contribute to a better world. Whether you are a parent, student, teacher, elder, or concerned citizen, help make living sustainably and peacefully the very purpose of education at all levels by engaging in dialogue with lawmakers, educators, and school and university administrators.

7. Invest your money ethically. If you are going to rely on a mutual fund for retirement or college, choose a socially responsible investment fund. Ask for a portfolio and assess whether the company invests in the kinds of businesses you want to support. Seek out community banks and credit unions, and consider micro-lending and investment in social businesses as a means of using your money to help others.

8. Build community. Find others who share your desire to make MOGO choices by joining existing groups or creating your own group, and invite people to join you. You will enjoy the friendship and camaraderie, and help make a difference at the same time. Don’t forget the communities of which you are already a part. Get to know your neighbors, and work with them to make your neighborhood healthy, supportive, and safe.

9. Teach others. Share what you know with others and engage them in the challenge of living a MOGO life by using positive communication that does not judge or blame. Listen as often as you speak. Teaching and learning happen everywhere: one on one, in schools, in religious congregations, at camps, in families, in print and film, at learning centers, on social networking internet sites, at senior facilities, and so on. Model your message, and speak your truth in kind and inspiring ways wherever you are and with whomever you’re in contact.

10. Strive for balance. Set reasonable goals for yourself, and remember that the “most good, least harm” equation includes you. You are a role model for a MOGO life, so find the balance that lets you live joyfully, enthusiastically, and compassionately.

Learn how change starts with you with Zoe Weil's Most Good, Least Harm.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Zoe Weil, author of Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life (Copyright © 2009 by Zoe Weil), is the co-founder and president of the Institute for Humane Education. She created the first M.Ed degree and certificate programs in humane education in the United States. Zoe leads MOGO and humane education workshops throughout the Unite States and Canada. She lives in coastal Maine. Visit zoeweil.com for information on workshops and presentations.

So You Want To Be A Fashion Designer?

If you have clicked on this page it may be because you dream of becoming a fashion designer or working in some aspect of fashion. The industry is huge, and always needs and seeks new talent. So your dream is not impossible, but you might want to read further and think about the advice that I'm about to offer you. I don't work in the business, but I've been writing about and observing fashion and its creators for years.

The most important thing is to read, read, read. Everything you can about fashion, biographies, magazine articles, everything. Go to your local library and see what books they have about the fashion business, fashion designers, etc. Look through Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Details, and Womens Wear Daily and W if they have them. If you can afford to, subscribe to Vogue (the last time I looked, if you live in the US, a subscription costs $ 12 a year). Harper's Bazaar, W, In Style, Town and Country, and whatever is the hottest magazine at the moment devoted to young fashion.

Train your eye. Go to museums and art galleries if you can. Look at as many art books as possible that you can find in the library. When you look at paintings from centuries ago you will be surprised at how many things you see in portraits that have been copied/adapted by modern designers. Or have inspired/influenced them. Looking at works of art is also very important because if you don't have a well-developed sense of proportion you will get used to seeing things put in balance and proportion. And fashion, especially today, is very much about having a sense of proportion and being able to put things together in an original and interesting way. Look at as many art books as you can find, from modern to historic. If you live in New York City (or can visit) go to Gallagher's in Greenwich Village which sells old fashion magazines. If you can afford to, buy as many as you can.

Today youngsters don't realize how lucky they are not only to be able to see so many old movies on TV, but to be aboe to rent/buy videotapes or DVD's and watch them at home. I remember when Giorgio Armani showed the jacket of a suit for the very first time that had only one very prominent lapel. Unfortunately I can't remember the thirties film from the US I saw not many months later in which a very sophisticated actress wore a dark jacket with one white lapel. Pia Soli, an Italian fashion journalist and historian once remarked that during a long illness remarked that she watched hundreds of old films "And I can't tell how how many times I saw the inspiration for collections I had seen!"

Like so many glamorous jobs to which so many aspire, there's a lot of hard, exhausting work with long hours involved. There's no such thing as overtime, and working on weekends and holidays can be perfectly normal when a collection is being prepared. You also need the hide of an elephant, especially in the beginning, because you may hear so-called "experts" giving you fifty reasons why you'll never make it, mercilessly listing your defects. This is where you have to remember the entire speech that Winston Churchill is said to have made to a graduating class: "Never, never, never, never give up!" Later, if you become successful, beware of getting a swelled head, and remember who your REAL friends are. And that should you make it to the top and slip, you'll meet a lot of people on the way back down to whom you may not have been as nice as you should have.

Do you want to design for men, women, kids? Find the nicest shop or boutique in that category and see if you can work there on Saturday afternoons, during vacation. If they won't pay you ask if you can help out. It's helpful to work, at least for a while, in a shop or department store to learn something about clothes, especially the more expensive ones. You should get to know the people you want to design for, their bodies, their needs, likes, and dislikes.

Is there a local garment factory you can visit? Do you know any seamstresses who would let you hang out with them, maybe do some errands in exchange for watching them work? You must have a lot of passion if you want to succeed, you should be willing to make sacrifices, and you should take advantage of any opportunity you have to learn more.

I used to cover automobile racing, and I learned two VERY important things from two people:

Alan Rees, Formula One team manager: "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity."

Jackie Stewart, formula Formula One World Champion, after winning the World Championship after an extremely difficult race: "Never, never, never, never give up." (Did he read Winston Churchill?)
You need to believe in youself, have self-confidence, but also be realistic. Assuming you have a great deal of innate talent, it's still not enough to ensure success. There are certain things you need to succeed in any field, and here are some of them:

1. Good Manners. They are always in fashion no matter what your contemporaries may tell you. If you live in the U.S. and your local newspaper runs the syndicated "Miss Manners" column please make a point of reading it when it appears twice a week. You won't be sorry, because Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) happens to dispense her advice with a very acerbic with and she's sure to make you laugh (and you'll certainly learn a lot.) When somebody gives you an appointment, to ALWAYS send a written note expressing your appreciation.
   
   If somebody takes the time to answer an E-mail, as I often have, be sure to thank them, and in the mail refer to your request. (Some people receive a lot of mail and can't remember every single person they answered.) When making phone calls to important people try to get the name of the secretary and always ask for her when you call. You'd be surprised how powerful secretaries can be, and if you're polite, they can often be very helpful. And never address somebody by their first name on the first meeting. When you get to know them better wait for them to say, "Please call me Bud."
   
   Remember, it doesn't cost ANYTHING to be polite and considerate, and as my Daddy's mammy (yes, he was from Virginia and had a mammy) said: "Politeness will git you fo' the King!" And in his case, it did, King Leopold of Belgium, many manyh years ago..... The golden rule still applies today, treat others as you would like be treated. If you step on toes on your way up things won't be easy for you shoud you later descend as you'll be passing many of those you offended in the past.
   
   
2. Attitude. You can't afford it. Being polite and pleasant to everybody, no matter what their position, can't be stressed enough. This doesn't mean you have to become a rug and let everybody walk over you, but it means treating people with respect and expecting them to treat you with the same respect. If an employer has to choose between two equally talented would-be designers the job will more than likely go to the good-natured person. Or the one with the better connections, but unfortunately that's a fact of life and you'd better face it sooner than later. Unless you are super-talented nobody wants to have to work with whiners, complainers, and neurotics. There's so much rudeness and bad manners in our lives today that people won't forget you when you are polite and considerate and say THANK YOU!
   
   
3. Punctuality. Making people wait for you indicates that you dont have respect for them or their time. Get in the habit of arriving 10 minutes early for every appointment. You won't have to do that when you hit the top, but then, you won't last long at the top if you start giving yourself airs.
   
   
4. Passion. Yes, passion, but not so much for sex as for your work. People who really care about their work, who read up on the subject, who find out everything they possibly can, who never pass up the chance to learn from somebody in the business, are people who succeed. Remember, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! Don't limit yourself to fashion per se, learn as much as you can in many areas. Broaden your mind.
   
   
5. Concentration. Life is competitive, and nowhere will you find more competition than in the fashion industry. You need to be sure you know what you want, that you are willing to make sacrifices to achieve your ambition, and to focus directly on your dream. You cannot permit yourself to become distracted..
   
   
6. Taking Care of Yourself It's your body, and your life. Drugs and alcohol may seem to help but you need to keep your eye on the ball. Keep active, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep. Have fun, but use your common sense.
   
   
7. Sense of Humor. Having a sense of humor and keeping your perspective are important, as well as having your priorities straight. Sexual harrassment exists, and a sense of self-worth and humor can usually defuse unwelcome situations. It says somewhere that people who can laugh at themselves live longer.
   
   
8. The Future. At some point you may realize that becoming a fashion designer is not going to happen. Take advantage of your exposure to people and get to know as many as you possibly can. You never know when somebody you've met could be the key to your future.
   
   

If you've read this far, it means you're really interested. If you possibly can, enroll in a reputable fashion school. Save your money for a trip to New York with your mom or a friend. If you love fashion there are many other jobs to consider: publicist, advertising, stylist, photographer, makeup artist, hair stylist, fashion editor.

It will take a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and perserverance, but if you really care, you'll make it! Good luck, and let me know how things go...

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